The real, ultimate darkness.

I think I am experiencing PTSD.  It's really weird. 

All of these old, negative thoughts are coming back to me out of nowhere.  I know they are not true thoughts, but they hurt a lot.  They make me feel bad.  Less than.  They make me imagine that I want to hurt myself. 

I don't want to hurt myself.  I want to live and do good things.  However, these thoughts are making it hard for me to get out of bed.  I just want to lie in bed and wait for my mind to clear. 

I think it is just a strange PTSD flare because a year ago I was extremely sick.  I was dying.  At one point, I tried to kill myself and died.  I was in the hospital.  What the hell can you do about that. 

I am so grateful for the people who saved my life.  And, now I am struggling with those memories.  Thank you to everyone who has helped me through this challenging time.  I will get better; it just takes time.

My favorite band.

Music is so important.

You probably already know this, but music matters.

It doesn't matter a little; it matters a lot.  It sets a tone.  I helps us work out our own feelings and experiences.  It can lift us up, express the bigness of love, or be cathartic.

When I was a teenager struggling with depression, heavy metal saved my life.  I heard Metallica's Black Album, and I thought, "These guys are really angry!  I'm on board!" 

Then I tried listening to Cradle of Filth's Midian because the guy at Twist & Shout record store recommended it to me.  I learned what symphonic black metal was that day, and it was a brand new experience.  Did I love it immediately?  Yes.  The vocals were a little weird, but how can you beat that level of ambience.  Listening to this type of music is a way of experiencing darkness that is harmless in the end.

I went to a metal show the other night.  I saw Shinedown and Five Finger Death Punch.  I was sitting in the rafters by myself, but I still had such a good time. 

Shinedown was super fun.  I am not a fan of their music in any particular way.  I know a few of their songs.  However, they made it special for the people there.  The lead singer was running out in the audience and jumping up on a platform behind the sound board, and I'm astounded.  "Naw, he didn't just do that.  Oh, shoot!  He did!"  The band brought a ton of energy to the stage even though they were clad in dress shirts and vests.  "I want to be classy, but I also want to rock."  Seeing them play was an unexpected treat.

Then came Five Finger Death Punch.  I simply love this band.  They are my favorite metal band right now.  Their songwriting chops are unquestionable, and they have something to say.  Their messages are not always happy or what you want to hear; however, they are the truth.  The truth from the band's point of view, and they have a perspective that I appreciate.

They understand that life is not easy.  We all struggle.  A major part of living is getting damaged and moving through it.  In life we struggle with difficult feelings, and there are times when things just aren't going to be right. 

I love that they support our military the way they do.  Their video for "Wrong Side of Heaven" highlights the plight of our homeless military veterans.  Who does that?  Oh... wait... they did.  Because they get it.  They get that heroes should not live on the streets, but they are struggling with such hard emotions after being in a war situation.  We need to give these people all the support and compassion we can... they fought for your life and freedoms.  FFDP gets that.  During the concert they asked for current service members to raise their hands.  A healthy contingent of the audience had their hands up.

I cannot really express what seeing this show meant to me.  I knew my buddy, Darren Keddy, was teching for guitarist, Jason Hook, that night.  Jason had some crazy stupid guitars.  I can't give you every detail, but these guitars were nuts.  I have no idea how Darren keeps those things up and running.  Good job, brother! 

It was also very cool that their opening music was Prince.  Way to respect!

They played a lot of my favorite songs.  "Lift Me Up."  I was surprised that they played, "Wash It All Away" earlier in the show because I love that song soooooooo much.  But it worked because this band knows how to put on a show.  It helps that they are a bunch of cool-looking dudes, each with their own style and vibe.  I am deeply in love with all of them, but I respect them.  I won't be a creepy fan.  Respect is one of my top four values.

Jeremy Spencer had a drum solo.  Holy shit!  Who does that any more?  FFDP.  It was fairly epic.  And yes, he was in sparkly skeleton suit that night.  It made me so happy.

Let's talk about the band members just for fun.  Ivan was looking like a badass in camo pants and a tank top.  He was making moves all night but in a mature way... he didn't feel like he had to run all over the place to entertain people, and the rest of the band was the same way.  Jason Hook hung out on the left side of the stage most of the night. 

He looked cool.  He was wearing a jersey, and his spiky, sticking-up hair is a signature.  He's a good-looking dude, and you would admit that even if you were a dude.  Zoltan looked awesome as well.  He was in a jersey-type shirt as well, and he's got these amazing, long dreadlocks that look awesome.  Chris Kael - I dunno what this bro was wearing - jeans and a t-shirt?  All I could focus on was his awesome dreaded out beard.  That thing is a story in and of itself!

The band brought so much energy to the stage.  Ivan mentioned that they loved playing in Denver.  Cheers to Willie B.  All that good stuff.  They even brought some kids on the stage for a song.  I thought that was a really great move.  "Hey, kids.  Welcome to the metal family.  Stick with us, and we will help you.  Oh, yeah.  Be safe."  It was a special moment.

But, damn, the whole concert was a special moment.  I was singing along to every song and dancing in my spot.  I loved everything about the show from the lights, to the vibe, to... gosh, it was just the best birthday present I ever gave myself.  I can't wait for the next FFDP show.

So, music... yeah... it will change your life.  One of my favorite songs right now is techno.  It is called "Tearing Me Up" by Bob Moses.  It reminds me of work.  (I work at a wonderful restaurant.)  And, I love work.  The people I work with are family.

Black Violin is another favorite.  A couple of black dudes from Florida who are classically trained string players.  They just want to create a new type of music, hip hop meets classical, and they are all about crushing stereotypes and bringing people together.  They are great.

Tell me about your music.  What does it do for you?  What do you love?  There are so many different types of music, and that is beautiful.  We need creative people to make new stuff for us to experience.

Thanks for bearing with my through this long post.  I just had a lot to share today.  Love you!

The Ghost of Christmas Past & The Challenge of Uncertainty

Like it or not, the holidays are here, my friends.  My neighborhood is putting up Christmas lights.  I am seeing Christmas displays at the grocery store.  Halloween has not even come and gone, and businesses are already trying to get us to get our spend on.  Chill out, dudes.  Just let it happen... it happens every year.

This year the holidays are going to be difficult for me because I will be thinking about the people with whom I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Day.  They helped get me through some real things, and I miss them a lot.

Last night I was in the neighborhood where I met these people.  I don't miss that place, per se, but I miss the people.  We were all struggling, and I hope we are all in a better place now... well, some of us are not.  One of us did not make it.  I hate that. 

Tonight I was especially missing my best friend, a wonderful, amazing lady I met during that time.  I love her strength, her authenticity, and her grace.  She carries herself with honesty and beauty.  I could tell her anything, and she would still love, accept, and support me.  I just want to see her and give her a hug and thank her for always supporting me even when she was struggling.  She is simply the best, and I cannot be grateful enough to have her in my life.

So, I'm at the grocery store, feeling this hole in my heart because I want to see my best friend even though she lives far away.

Then I hear a song by The Scorpions, "Send Me An Angel."  Instantly I am transported back to being 18 years old, driving around in my gold Volvo 850 Turbo, listening to the Scorps on my CD player.  Little did I know what life was planning for me.  I was so unprepared for all the crap that was coming my way.

I went to a prep school, but it did not prepare me the the life that I would have.  My parents didn't know.  They wanted the best for me, and they tried to give me the best.  They wanted me to go to college, get a good job, and be a normal person.

Well, I did not quite follow that path.  Hell, I am an artist.  We do crazy shit sometimes that does not make any sense to people who always do what is expected of them.

I've never really done exactly what was expected of me.  It's not that I break rules or fight authority.  I just like to make my own decisions no matter what anyone else thinks.

My parents will always tell you about the time they tried to take me on a rollercoaster at a theme park.  We waited in line for a long time.  When it was our turn to get on, I was like, "Nope."  I stepped in and walked onto the platform on the other side, and they had no choice but to get off.  Sorry, but I'm not sorry.

When you are an artist you learn the rules, and then you find another way of doing things.  It does not mean you are trying to devalue or discredit anybody.  It just means that you have a voice, and you have something to say.

And here's the rub, it's going to piss some people off when you use your voice.  They will misinterpret what you are trying to say, or their set modes of thinking will not understand your message right away.  They will be uncertain and confused because, "Hey, this new viewpoint does not immediately fit into any category I recognize.  It must not be good."

Well, that's people for you.  What is new is frightening because there is no certainty associated with it.  Some people are willing to accept new experiences and new thoughts, and some are not.

As an artist, you just have to say, "I'm sorry you are a "no" person.  Go back to the known.  Bummer."  For the "yes" people, it's super exciting to share yourself with them.  To be authentic.  To give them everything you have because they want to be part of that experience.

You can't make all the people happy all the time, and there are individuals who exist to tell you that you are an idiot.

I still have to remind myself every day that I am not a mistake.  I am not a disappointment.  The Universe has kept me here for a reason.  I have a story to tell.  Don't let anyone make you feel less than.  They do not define you.  You do.  If you live by your values and try to do your best every day, that's all that matters. 

I am pissed off today!

Today I am hating the government a lot.

They rescinded my Medicaid status, so now I have to get a second job to buy mandatory health care.  Right now I make about $1,200 a month.  It is just enough to pay for food and transportation.  Yet, the government thinks I am wealthy enough to afford health care?  Bro, whaaaaaaat....

I live paycheck to paycheck.  I have $25 in my savings account.  Every day there is a ledger in my brain of what is going on with my money. 

I am ok with it.  I will let my manager know that I have to get this second job to work on Tuesday and Wednesday.  I will not have any days off, but that is ok.  I will just have to work a little harder to pay the bills and put food on the table.

I am just irritated that the government does not care about poor people.

They only care about themselves, and I have never seen a politician struggle to put food on the table.  They seem to have it alright.

And they only seem to pass bills that serve their private interests.  Do I love that marijuana is legal in Colorado?  Not really.  It puts a pile of money in government coffers though, so smoke up even if you are annoying everyone around you.  (Can I just go somewhere and not smell marijuana, please?  What you do at home is your business.  What you do in public can be annoying.)

And what is really jacked up is that these greedy, self-serving assholes are in charge of the most giving, selfless, loving people in the world: the US military.

It's so backwards.  How do you let the worst people control the best people in the world?  Can we just abolish the government and let the Army, Navy, and Marines run everything?  They are so amazing, and I love them.  They are the last to ask for a handout when they deserve everything in the world.

The way our government treats our vets is deplorable.  Holy shit!  They just made your livelihood possible, and you treat them as expendable?!  Shame on you! 

And sometimes they end up on the streets because of the mental illness caused by warfare, and we act like it is not happening.

Wake up, America.  Stop acting like a bunch of entitled, spoiled brats.  Be so grateful for what you have.  I have to work harder right now, but at least I am grateful to live in America.  To have opportunity.  To have hope.

Not everyone gets that.  Get off your damn phones and get humble.  F***! 

It takes time.

So, I have a dear friend who is just struggling with some things in her past right now.  She is really beating herself up over it, and it is so hard.

Sometimes, it just takes time to heal.  You can't get out of that bad place any faster, and there is nothing you can do about it but sit with your grief.  Sit with your anger.  Sit with your pain.

It sucks.

Waiting for your heart to heal is hardest thing in the world, so we really need to show each other some compassion when it comes to dealing with painful emotions. 

We're all gonna have 'em.  We all have people we love, and we're all growing and changing every day. 

Nothing is ever going to make perfect sense, but it doesn't have to, right?  We are stuck in this weird position of being subjective human beings in an imperfect world.  The moment you think you know something, you might be screwed.

Accept that you are alive today.  That the world is a great place to be, and you have the opportunity to make positive decisions for yourself, for the people you love, and for your community.

In the immortal words of Tom Graesser, the best middle school English teacher and sports coach ever, "Confucius says: Let's be careful out there.  Thanks for coming."

Wow... just... unbelievable...

Love and life is so powerful.  It can overcome anything.  The Universe wants good people to be here to do great things.  This woman is a hero.  You can't write the stuff...  I am simply in awe.

Read this.

Pain

Pain is such a strong memory. 

It makes sense.  Your brain remembers those bad experiences, so you don't have to repeat them. 

Maybe I'm a total weirdo, but I love all those dark spots in the past.  I was in the hospital, but I met so many wonderful souls when I was there.  I would never give up that experience.

I miss the people that were there.   I don't miss the experience itself because that kind of sucked.

The only challenge is that some people are still really sick, and I don't want them to die.  I can't help them.  I can only love them and offer support.

I hate the disease, not the person.

Be kind because you never know what someone is struggling with.  

It is what you make it.

So, can the election just be over already.  For real.

I am so sick of hearing about the various misdeeds of Clinton and Trump.  Let's just get over the fact that they both suck and will not be the best leaders for America.

But, you know what you can do?  You can live your life by your values.  If you value life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, make choices that reflect those values.  Vote with your actions for a better America.

All the negativity that surrounds us... forget it.  If you really think the president is that important, you are mistaken.

Your life is made up of your own decisions about how you want to be.  Do you want growth and positivity?  Be that way.  Do you want to whine and complain?  Fine, enjoy being miserable.

I have little sympathy for people who are worried about their entitlements.  I am about to lose my Medicaid status because, holy shit, I am working.  I don't make a lot of money, but that does not matter so much to the government.  "You have an income.  Ok, buy healthcare."

I can't do anything about it.  The only choice is to get another job and work a little harder to pay for healthcare.  Am I going to be bitter about it?  No.  I just do what I have to do to get by.

We are all in control of our lives and how we want to live them.  Choose your perspective.  If you don't want to put in any effort, your life will reflect that.  It's ok if you can't do it, but don't expect life to be easy. 

Money

I hate thinking about money.  I think about it all the time though.  There is an ongoing ledger in my brain: can I afford this experience?  Can I eat?  Can I pay the bills?

It is frustrating that people don't really think they have to look after their own money.  I think we are way too entitled in this country.  We have had so much given to us that we don't think we need to watch our finances.

"Whaaat?  I have to be responsible for myself?  WTF?!"

Yeah, we have to pay our own bills.  Imagine that.  Holy shit!

I don't know what's up with younger people or people in general.  Do we just have it too good?  We don't understand how it is to deal with scarcity on a day to day basis?

Ok, so here's what's up.  We have to use our dollars wisely.  Put your money where your values are. Keeping your own housing, food, and safety are important.  Where can you afford to play?  What trade offs are you willing to make?

I studied economics.  Life is all about trade offs.  What are you willing to give up for something else?

Are you willing to work for it?

Honestly, I think Americans need a boost in their work ethic.  We can't just wait around for someone to make a life for us; we have to do it ourselves day by day.

Demons

So, here are my thoughts on demons.

Demons are not good or bad; they are just demons.

They can scare the shit out of you, and they can persuade you to do some really fucked up shit.  They are brutal and relentless.  If you have ever let a demon tell you what to do, you know that that shit is getting done no matter what.

At the end of the day, we do need demons.

Why?  They keep us safe.

If someone tries to assault me, I need the darkness of that demon to use my car key to attack the wind pipe of my assailant.

If I need to kill some motherfucker to protect my family and my values, I need a demon.  It does not feel good, but it is the truth.

Demons are necessary.  They cause trouble, and they will never be your best friend.  However, when shit gets fucked, you might need a demon to show you what's up.  They know darkness, and they know what they are doing.  They can help you in their own weird demon way.

To think that we need to exorcise them and pretend that the world does not need them is a bit extreme.

Demons have saved lives.  I know this.  They do not promote life, per se, but they often protect a person from death.  Why do they do this?   Hell if I know.  Maybe even demons, evil as they are, are just trying to help.  "Hey, I'm evil as fuck... What can I do for you?"

The world needs both dark and light.  Light may always win, but we need the dark to teach us how to live.  The dark teaches us how to be better humans.  The dark takes care of us when people get too evil.  The Universe has our back...

I guess my point is that you cannot hate on demons too much.  Yeah, they are a little evil; but, at the end of the day, you might need a little evil in your back pocket.  Keep your demons.  Just don't let them run your life if you can help it.

Sorry for all of the language, but maybe I was feeling a bit intense.  I think we should all embrace ourselves and even the dark sides.  We do not have to be picture perfect facebook ads for satisfaction.

Human beings are terrifying and amazing.

Humans are so cool because we do stuff sometimes just because it's beautiful.

It's called art.

We don't need it to survive, but it nourishes our souls. It creates meaning.

I don't need to go to a great restaurant to survive, but I will go there to be inspired.

I don't need to go to a ballet, but I go to appreciate the discipline and the expression of the dancers.

I don't need to go to a concert, but I want to feel the collective enjoyment of people sharing an experience.

Human creativity is not limited to purely artistic endeavors. I think it is beautiful that people are seeking to counteract antibiotic resistant bacteria with polymers.

The human mind is simply an amazing thing. Given the right context, it can produce so many amazing ideas and solutions. And, that's why I think people are completely terrifying and awesome at the same time. 

My artwork is my life.  It is a non-stop crazy story.  It has love, tragedy, redemption... It has heartbreak and healing.  It is a story of continual learning.  It is beautiful because it is my story, and I would not be in the place I am today if it had not happened like it did.  I have to be grateful for every moment, including those times when I was walking through the darkest depths of hell trying to kill myself with every choice I made.

Why did I do that?  My life is amazing.  At least I appreciate it now that I've lost it once.  I appreciate the challenges because they taught me empathy.  Life is hard; I get it.   

I think the Universe was trying to send me a message when it threw me off a cliff and then pulled me back.  "Yo, be careful what you wish for.  PS: You are here for some reason, and I'm not telling nobody!"  

I cannot believe how far I have come in less than a year.  I love my life now.  Is it perfect?  No.  I have plenty to work on, but I'm only a human being, dammit.  


I am less than a year old, and my perspective is revolutionized based on all that I have experienced during that time.  How can I not be grateful?  I have people I love.  I am alive.  I love existence even if it is a romantic and tragic thing in the end.