Dear Freddie de Boer,

I love you.  I absolutely love you, and I think you are brilliant  I just happen to disagree with you on the nature of humanity, so we disagree about everything.

Please get in touch with me, Freddie.  I am sure we would have a great time driving each other insane.

Complete respect,

Katherine

Humans in Search of Humility

Dear Humans,

It is time to get humble. 

Yes, we have created the means to access information with a few strokes on our portable devices.  We have created drugs to quell all variety of maladies and the side effects of the drugs that treat the symptoms of those maladies. 

We can 3-D print damn near anything, including prosthetic limbs and perfectly fitting jeans. 

We have vehicles that drive themselves and devices that respond to our requests when they are not busy spying on us.

And, yet... 

Are we so lacking in knowledge that we are feckless with the absence of access to the Google machine?  Are we going to die without the drugs on which we are dependent?  Do we know how to make the things we cannot easily procure?  Can we even critically evaluate the information that we access?

It is as though we are trying to cheat our own nature.

We are finite, fallible beings.  Technology is only as good as our working assumptions, and it will not give us meaning, interpretation, or a better understanding of what it is to be human. 

To be human is to exist as an inextricable part of nature.  Nature will always win.  And, trying to trick it, cheat it, or outsmart it is the height of human hubris and may very well be our downfall. 

We must cast off our vanity and our pride.  We must relearn our exact place in the world and accept that, even though we may be resourceful and clever, we may not always choose those paths which harmonize with the natural order. 

I am sad today because I do not see many people thinking beyond the range of their own personal biases and interests.  I am sad because I do not think many people are concerned with the meaning of their own lives.

Money, food, sex, drugs.  They will not assuage your pain.  They will not fulfill your needs.  Diversion is not sanctuary or salvation.

Let's get off the treadmill and get real.  We need to rediscover the authenticity of being human.  If we can extricate ourselves from the relentless pursuit of physical and psychological immunity for a moment, perhaps, we may learn to listen to that quiet, still voice within that urges us to reconnect with ourselves.

You can only run away from yourself for so long.  On your deathbed, do you want to admit that you lived as an automaton rather than as a human? 

I urge you to cast off all the trappings and assumptions that chain you to a conventional life.  Rather, listen to your heart.  Listen to your conscience.  Put down your goddamn phone and just observe.  Observing in nature is even better.


Let's take a moment to look around, see the world, and reassess our place in it.

Best,
Me

The real, ultimate darkness.

I think I am experiencing PTSD.  It's really weird. 

All of these old, negative thoughts are coming back to me out of nowhere.  I know they are not true thoughts, but they hurt a lot.  They make me feel bad.  Less than.  They make me imagine that I want to hurt myself. 

I don't want to hurt myself.  I want to live and do good things.  However, these thoughts are making it hard for me to get out of bed.  I just want to lie in bed and wait for my mind to clear. 

I think it is just a strange PTSD flare because a year ago I was extremely sick.  I was dying.  At one point, I tried to kill myself and died.  I was in the hospital.  What the hell can you do about that. 

I am so grateful for the people who saved my life.  And, now I am struggling with those memories.  Thank you to everyone who has helped me through this challenging time.  I will get better; it just takes time.

My favorite band.

Music is so important.

You probably already know this, but music matters.

It doesn't matter a little; it matters a lot.  It sets a tone.  I helps us work out our own feelings and experiences.  It can lift us up, express the bigness of love, or be cathartic.

When I was a teenager struggling with depression, heavy metal saved my life.  I heard Metallica's Black Album, and I thought, "These guys are really angry!  I'm on board!" 

Then I tried listening to Cradle of Filth's Midian because the guy at Twist & Shout record store recommended it to me.  I learned what symphonic black metal was that day, and it was a brand new experience.  Did I love it immediately?  Yes.  The vocals were a little weird, but how can you beat that level of ambience.  Listening to this type of music is a way of experiencing darkness that is harmless in the end.

I went to a metal show the other night.  I saw Shinedown and Five Finger Death Punch.  I was sitting in the rafters by myself, but I still had such a good time. 

Shinedown was super fun.  I am not a fan of their music in any particular way.  I know a few of their songs.  However, they made it special for the people there.  The lead singer was running out in the audience and jumping up on a platform behind the sound board, and I'm astounded.  "Naw, he didn't just do that.  Oh, shoot!  He did!"  The band brought a ton of energy to the stage even though they were clad in dress shirts and vests.  "I want to be classy, but I also want to rock."  Seeing them play was an unexpected treat.

Then came Five Finger Death Punch.  I simply love this band.  They are my favorite metal band right now.  Their songwriting chops are unquestionable, and they have something to say.  Their messages are not always happy or what you want to hear; however, they are the truth.  The truth from the band's point of view, and they have a perspective that I appreciate.

They understand that life is not easy.  We all struggle.  A major part of living is getting damaged and moving through it.  In life we struggle with difficult feelings, and there are times when things just aren't going to be right. 

I love that they support our military the way they do.  Their video for "Wrong Side of Heaven" highlights the plight of our homeless military veterans.  Who does that?  Oh... wait... they did.  Because they get it.  They get that heroes should not live on the streets, but they are struggling with such hard emotions after being in a war situation.  We need to give these people all the support and compassion we can... they fought for your life and freedoms.  FFDP gets that.  During the concert they asked for current service members to raise their hands.  A healthy contingent of the audience had their hands up.

I cannot really express what seeing this show meant to me.  I knew my buddy, Darren Keddy, was teching for guitarist, Jason Hook, that night.  Jason had some crazy stupid guitars.  I can't give you every detail, but these guitars were nuts.  I have no idea how Darren keeps those things up and running.  Good job, brother! 

It was also very cool that their opening music was Prince.  Way to respect!

They played a lot of my favorite songs.  "Lift Me Up."  I was surprised that they played, "Wash It All Away" earlier in the show because I love that song soooooooo much.  But it worked because this band knows how to put on a show.  It helps that they are a bunch of cool-looking dudes, each with their own style and vibe.  I am deeply in love with all of them, but I respect them.  I won't be a creepy fan.  Respect is one of my top four values.

Jeremy Spencer had a drum solo.  Holy shit!  Who does that any more?  FFDP.  It was fairly epic.  And yes, he was in sparkly skeleton suit that night.  It made me so happy.

Let's talk about the band members just for fun.  Ivan was looking like a badass in camo pants and a tank top.  He was making moves all night but in a mature way... he didn't feel like he had to run all over the place to entertain people, and the rest of the band was the same way.  Jason Hook hung out on the left side of the stage most of the night. 

He looked cool.  He was wearing a jersey, and his spiky, sticking-up hair is a signature.  He's a good-looking dude, and you would admit that even if you were a dude.  Zoltan looked awesome as well.  He was in a jersey-type shirt as well, and he's got these amazing, long dreadlocks that look awesome.  Chris Kael - I dunno what this bro was wearing - jeans and a t-shirt?  All I could focus on was his awesome dreaded out beard.  That thing is a story in and of itself!

The band brought so much energy to the stage.  Ivan mentioned that they loved playing in Denver.  Cheers to Willie B.  All that good stuff.  They even brought some kids on the stage for a song.  I thought that was a really great move.  "Hey, kids.  Welcome to the metal family.  Stick with us, and we will help you.  Oh, yeah.  Be safe."  It was a special moment.

But, damn, the whole concert was a special moment.  I was singing along to every song and dancing in my spot.  I loved everything about the show from the lights, to the vibe, to... gosh, it was just the best birthday present I ever gave myself.  I can't wait for the next FFDP show.

So, music... yeah... it will change your life.  One of my favorite songs right now is techno.  It is called "Tearing Me Up" by Bob Moses.  It reminds me of work.  (I work at a wonderful restaurant.)  And, I love work.  The people I work with are family.

Black Violin is another favorite.  A couple of black dudes from Florida who are classically trained string players.  They just want to create a new type of music, hip hop meets classical, and they are all about crushing stereotypes and bringing people together.  They are great.

Tell me about your music.  What does it do for you?  What do you love?  There are so many different types of music, and that is beautiful.  We need creative people to make new stuff for us to experience.

Thanks for bearing with my through this long post.  I just had a lot to share today.  Love you!

The Ghost of Christmas Past & The Challenge of Uncertainty

Like it or not, the holidays are here, my friends.  My neighborhood is putting up Christmas lights.  I am seeing Christmas displays at the grocery store.  Halloween has not even come and gone, and businesses are already trying to get us to get our spend on.  Chill out, dudes.  Just let it happen... it happens every year.

This year the holidays are going to be difficult for me because I will be thinking about the people with whom I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Day.  They helped get me through some real things, and I miss them a lot.

Last night I was in the neighborhood where I met these people.  I don't miss that place, per se, but I miss the people.  We were all struggling, and I hope we are all in a better place now... well, some of us are not.  One of us did not make it.  I hate that. 

Tonight I was especially missing my best friend, a wonderful, amazing lady I met during that time.  I love her strength, her authenticity, and her grace.  She carries herself with honesty and beauty.  I could tell her anything, and she would still love, accept, and support me.  I just want to see her and give her a hug and thank her for always supporting me even when she was struggling.  She is simply the best, and I cannot be grateful enough to have her in my life.

So, I'm at the grocery store, feeling this hole in my heart because I want to see my best friend even though she lives far away.

Then I hear a song by The Scorpions, "Send Me An Angel."  Instantly I am transported back to being 18 years old, driving around in my gold Volvo 850 Turbo, listening to the Scorps on my CD player.  Little did I know what life was planning for me.  I was so unprepared for all the crap that was coming my way.

I went to a prep school, but it did not prepare me the the life that I would have.  My parents didn't know.  They wanted the best for me, and they tried to give me the best.  They wanted me to go to college, get a good job, and be a normal person.

Well, I did not quite follow that path.  Hell, I am an artist.  We do crazy shit sometimes that does not make any sense to people who always do what is expected of them.

I've never really done exactly what was expected of me.  It's not that I break rules or fight authority.  I just like to make my own decisions no matter what anyone else thinks.

My parents will always tell you about the time they tried to take me on a rollercoaster at a theme park.  We waited in line for a long time.  When it was our turn to get on, I was like, "Nope."  I stepped in and walked onto the platform on the other side, and they had no choice but to get off.  Sorry, but I'm not sorry.

When you are an artist you learn the rules, and then you find another way of doing things.  It does not mean you are trying to devalue or discredit anybody.  It just means that you have a voice, and you have something to say.

And here's the rub, it's going to piss some people off when you use your voice.  They will misinterpret what you are trying to say, or their set modes of thinking will not understand your message right away.  They will be uncertain and confused because, "Hey, this new viewpoint does not immediately fit into any category I recognize.  It must not be good."

Well, that's people for you.  What is new is frightening because there is no certainty associated with it.  Some people are willing to accept new experiences and new thoughts, and some are not.

As an artist, you just have to say, "I'm sorry you are a "no" person.  Go back to the known.  Bummer."  For the "yes" people, it's super exciting to share yourself with them.  To be authentic.  To give them everything you have because they want to be part of that experience.

You can't make all the people happy all the time, and there are individuals who exist to tell you that you are an idiot.

I still have to remind myself every day that I am not a mistake.  I am not a disappointment.  The Universe has kept me here for a reason.  I have a story to tell.  Don't let anyone make you feel less than.  They do not define you.  You do.  If you live by your values and try to do your best every day, that's all that matters. 

I am pissed off today!

Today I am hating the government a lot.

They rescinded my Medicaid status, so now I have to get a second job to buy mandatory health care.  Right now I make about $1,200 a month.  It is just enough to pay for food and transportation.  Yet, the government thinks I am wealthy enough to afford health care?  Bro, whaaaaaaat....

I live paycheck to paycheck.  I have $25 in my savings account.  Every day there is a ledger in my brain of what is going on with my money. 

I am ok with it.  I will let my manager know that I have to get this second job to work on Tuesday and Wednesday.  I will not have any days off, but that is ok.  I will just have to work a little harder to pay the bills and put food on the table.

I am just irritated that the government does not care about poor people.

They only care about themselves, and I have never seen a politician struggle to put food on the table.  They seem to have it alright.

And they only seem to pass bills that serve their private interests.  Do I love that marijuana is legal in Colorado?  Not really.  It puts a pile of money in government coffers though, so smoke up even if you are annoying everyone around you.  (Can I just go somewhere and not smell marijuana, please?  What you do at home is your business.  What you do in public can be annoying.)

And what is really jacked up is that these greedy, self-serving assholes are in charge of the most giving, selfless, loving people in the world: the US military.

It's so backwards.  How do you let the worst people control the best people in the world?  Can we just abolish the government and let the Army, Navy, and Marines run everything?  They are so amazing, and I love them.  They are the last to ask for a handout when they deserve everything in the world.

The way our government treats our vets is deplorable.  Holy shit!  They just made your livelihood possible, and you treat them as expendable?!  Shame on you! 

And sometimes they end up on the streets because of the mental illness caused by warfare, and we act like it is not happening.

Wake up, America.  Stop acting like a bunch of entitled, spoiled brats.  Be so grateful for what you have.  I have to work harder right now, but at least I am grateful to live in America.  To have opportunity.  To have hope.

Not everyone gets that.  Get off your damn phones and get humble.  F***!